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Dear Mt. Redoubt
Dear Mt. Redoubt, We don't know if you elevated your seismic activity because you got jealous of Governor Palin's media explosion or what, but we're tired of this simmering tantrum of yours. In geologic terms, her fame should seem an instant to you, so get over yourself and blow up already. We, The Concerned, remember that when you blew in '89, you had enough courtesy not to hold us hostage for so long before you inconvenienced us. You did end up erupting continuously from December that year until June the next, but at least you got right to work, you didn't overdo it, and prevailing winds kept your damage low. If you're really going to go through with it this time, be quick about it so The Concerned can clean up and get on with our lives. You may not know it, but those of us in your potential fallout zone have been on "Orange Alert" for almost two months now. The Concerned are completely stocked up on food, water, nostalgic board games, and piles of assorted ash gear: Respirator masks, tarps, tape and Visqueen, air filters, vacuum bags, electronics covers, mason jars to collect local samples for the Alaska Volcano Observatory (whose logo, you'll be proud to know, features an homage to your last, majestic ash cloud), and even brand-new Ziploc bags for all our remote controls. Heck, we keep waiting to see HEPA tube socks-we would totally buy those. Which reminds us, thanks for the welcome boost to Southcentral's economy. We've done alright so far, but we're eager to cash in even more. We bought 5 gross of those little, clear glass vials from a dude we know in Wasilla so we can sell your ash to tourists next summer or send it to our Outside relatives for the holidays. It's a good thing we haven't based our entire economy on the possibility of your eruption, but with the price of oil so unpredictable lately, we might as well have. Without you and the hope of a poisonous, earthen plume blotting out the sun, these would truly be dismal economic times. Whenever you're ready. Hi ho, The Concerned  |
