Heads up, Heaven -- Ted Stevens is on his way

To Whom It May Also Concern,

You may have already heard that five people, including three well-known Alaskans, died recently when a bush plane crashed near Dillingham. One of those people was Theodore Fulton "Ted" Stevens, the longest-serving Senate Republican in history, and surely one of the two or three most significant Alaskans ever.

For an entire generation, Stevens was the one political constant, a Republican lodestar, an earthly equivalent to Polaris. Through his 40 years in the Senate, he was instrumental in making Alaska what it is today -- no matter what one thinks about where it ended up.

Alaskans are still very emotional about the tragic deaths -- plus several others recently (it has been a very bad year). The wounds are very fresh, and Alaskans, although used to death's constant proximity, seem to have not processed much of the grief yet. Which could explain why so much of it is being expressed through an outpouring of adulation for Stevens, whose politics Alaskans didn't universally love.

In fact, we're not even totally certain we're addressing this to the right people. Years ago it wasn't uncommon in certain parts of the state to hear people say that Stevens would wind up living with, um, you know, the other guys after he passed away. We can't imagine that actually happened, but if in fact it has, could you forward this to the appropriate office? What we're about to say here would apply equally in that case.

We The Concerned knew grief manifested itself in odd ways, but it seems really strange right now. Some of the late senator's most violent critics and stubborn political enemies (and even one estranged former candidate for vice president) have been coming out of the woodwork to pay homage to him and praise his memory. Some exceptions to that trend are already starting to appear, but largely, pretty much everyone really misses Ted Stevens right now.

Stevens has been the subject of several critical memorials from outside Alaska over the last week, and by far the bulk of them have been based on his reputation for steering federal dollars to the state. Many people, especially from states whose senators weren't savvy enough to chair the Senate Appropriations Committee, hated him for that. Alaskans loved him for it.

Throughout his Senate career, he fought for -- and often won -- federal money. By the reckoning of Citizens Against Government Waste, Stevens obtained $3.4 billion for Alaska projects between 1995 and 2008, and because Stevens became a senator in late 1968, we think that figure might be, well, conservative.

Stevens began his career as a senator for Alaska when it was still a very young, undeveloped state lacking the economic and public infrastructure enjoyed by many other, much older states. So to us The Concerned, critics of Stevens' zeal for federal appropriations look like they don't understand the situation very well. We're used to Alaska being misunderstood, but we started thinking -- and this is really why we're writing you -- maybe Heaven will misunderstand too.

We're not exactly sure how the process works, but Ted Stevens' spirit is probably working its way up there right now, and we're very concerned you won't be ready. So before he gets there, we'd just like to give you all a heads-up: The spirit of Ted Stevens still represents Alaskans, and it's almost certain he'll keep working for the state even though he now lacks corporeal form.