SEND THE RENDA BACK! Apparently there’s another vital shortage in Nome! Tuesday I received a perplexing message from my son stating he needed 25 cents to buy a plastic fork for school lunch. Despite having more than sufficient funds in his school lunch account, he didn’t have any additional cash or coinage on him at that exact time.

I will readily admit that we are a family that eats soup with a fork, but I guess as Alaskans we’re used to a hearty meal! Apparently Tuesday was “Spoon Day” at Nome Beltz High School (did we miss that legislation?) because chili was being served, therefore no forks were provided. However, a lot of students bring their own lunch where spoons just don’t cut it. The school would not issue anyone the preferred plastic fork unless they paid the school 25 cents. Nope not a dollar, because they couldn’t make change, it had to be a quarter.

Seriously? My son asked me what he was supposed to do, “eat with his hands?” I felt like saying that as long as they didn’t charge for extra napkins to go for it! Yes, he could have made the cultural leap and eaten with a spoon, but the fact that the school is now “charging” for a plastic fork is beyond ridiculous!

I admit I was skeptical, so, wanting to get to the bottom of this, I called the school to see if it was now mandatory that students are required to BUY their eating utensils. I was informed that it “had become such a problem” with kids asking for forks that the school has decided to charge twenty five cents for these plastic utensils. Personally, I feel that if the school put half the effort into reading and math skills as they have into utensil usage we’d be producing more Rhodes Scholars per capita!

Parents of students at Nome Beltz High School should be forewarned! Your children must come equipped with loose change or they will not be allowed a fork. Or at least until our son’s supply is depleted, because we promptly ran down over to our local grocer to buy plastic forks so our son might do the charitable thing and provide utensils free of charge for those without loose quarters jangling. The first store was sold out -- go figure! We then went on to the next store, where we bought multiple boxes of plastic forks at seven cents per fork. Considering the elevated prices in Nome, this begs the question of where the proceeds from the plastic utensil fund are going? More vegetables? Fresh fruit? Larger portions? I guess either way the kids who bring their own lunches are out of the loop ... again. While I hate to belabor the point, is there even a budget line item for utensils?

Hey, call it our contribution to alleviating Nome Public Schools budgetary problems during these obviously troubling times. In a land where tomato catsup is still considered a vegetable, apparently every little bit helps.

So with that said, here’s our top ten list for how we might better serve the school’s budget crisis as well as some general chuckles about this inane situation:

10. Get rid of your steel utensils and invest in Sporks like every other school in the nation.

9. Give the proceeds to the Nanook Booster Club so at least we know the money is going to a good cause.

8. Charge out of town teams TRIPLE!

7. Use the proceeds to hire a special “Utensil Distribution Coordinator” (and staff).

6. Add a utensil button on the cafeteria register so the students might at least charge to their existing student lunch account (dare we add plates and napkins?).

5. Provide suitable notice of the requirement in the student handbook for parents to provide either quarters or forks as part of their “required student supply” list.

4. Charge for tissue paper and napkins too (Waste Disposal Coordinator?).

3. No child left behind -- except at lunch!

2. Paraphrase from A few Good Men: “You want the fork? You can’t pay for fork!”

1 Paraphrase from C. Walken on Saturday Night Live skit: “Guess what?! I got a fever, and the only prescription is more forks'll!

Despite the humor expressed here, there is a lesson to be learned. Please encourage your child to speak up for what’s right for themselves and others!

Blaine and Kim Galleher are involved Nome parents.

The views expressed here are the writer's own and are not necessarily endorsed by Alaska Dispatch. Alaska Dispatch welcomes a broad range of viewpoints. To submit a piece for consideration, e-mail commentary(at)alaskadispatch.com.