Dear Pacific Walruses,

We've been concerned about how you're going to adapt to the retreating sea ice in your habitat for a while now (how's that going, by the way?), but now we're much more concerned about another challenge you're about to face: Exploitation.

When we read last September that the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service received a petition to consider placing you on its threatened and endangered species list, and then found out more, we got a little worried. A similar effort by environmentalists resulted in the government placing the polar bear on the list, and Alaska's resource industries, plus some of its lawmakers, objected seriously. Since then, the polar bear has been used as a donation tool by various environmental groups. As far as we know, the bears still haven't seen a dime of that money.

Aaron Jansen illustration

So, we got really concerned when we saw that the World Wildlife Fund had placed you on its endangered species "watch list" for 2010. Although we respect some of the work the WWF does on behalf of habitats and species, its comment on you was troubling because it indicates that all sorts of ideological appeals and emotional distortions are about to be made on your behalf -- without your input or fair compensation -- and before scientists even have a clear idea about your situation.

If you're not careful, you could wind up being used as a symbol for environmental activists and Trustafarian protest-hobbyists everywhere. We're not sure whether you know it or not, but that job doesn't pay much. Just ask a polar bear. The environmentalist crowd plastered those guys all over the place, and experts don't really agree over whether or not their populations have even started to decline. Counting them is even tougher than counting you guys, apparently.

So, get some good representation now -- before this thing really takes off. And don't let anyone try to diss you just because you're not as adorable-looking as polar bears are, or as fragrant. (You might not know it, but polar bears are rumored to smell exactly like hot morning sex at the top of a giant redwood after a misty rain.) But don't let that stop you from getting an agent who truly believes in getting you the best deal. Polar bears may be all sleek and predatory, but you look so stoic and dignified you're damn near the moose of the sea. And in these tough times, stoicism is ready for a comeback even if dignity doesn't seem to be.

At any rate, we think it's really important that you get what you're owed while you're still around to spend it. You've already been getting zilch from that oil well named after you. So, draw a line in the beach! And don't forget to secure residuals -- every time an environmentalist wears a walrus costume in front of an economic or climate summit you need to get paid. And one last thing: Don't work for less than scale, and don't let your agent take more than 12 percent.