PALIN: The perfect present

Dude, we know you're probably really busy gearing up to reclaim the Iron Dog Championship trophy. But we've been wracking our brains all week about what to get Sarah for her birthday, and we're coming up short. She's just so hard to shop for!

The folks over at TeamSarah.org sent a message out telling their members that in lieu of gifts, they should give "active involvement in the Commonsense Conservative Movement" so that they "can take back our country," but, honestly, we don't know what any of that means. We'd rather get her something she can actually use, like new liners for her Sorels -- you know, the ones with fur tops to prevent chafing.

Anyhow, since Sarah's special day is today, and we're still not sure what to get her, we thought we'd run some ideas by you and just send something belatedly. Frankly, we don't know much about her taste (pretty much just what her media colleagues make up). We're coming to you because those e-mails the State of Alaska just released showed us that you're the guy to talk to. Thanks, by the way, for doing all that consulting legwork without charging the state a penny. Solid, man.

So, we have some small gift ideas. First, we know she started a new job recently as an analyst on Fox News Channel. The other day, she seemed to have a tough time coming up with names that weren't her own when the host asked her who she thought will be the frontrunner for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination. We've been stuck like that before, and it wasn't fun -- until we got a Magic 8-Ball, that is. Now, when we're stuck, we just whip that thing out, and if it doesn't give us a useful answer or tells us to "Ask again later," at least we had some fun.

We also thought of getting her a lens cleaning kit for that new TV studio we read Fox is planning to build at your house in Wasilla. We're not sure how close your place is to the city's gravel pits, but dusty lenses are no laughing matter, especially now that hi-def video is becoming the industry's standard.

We also thought about a household item or two. When we heard about those new, untaxed buildings out on your Petersville property, we wondered if you had enough welcome mats. We even thought we saw a three-pack at Costco the other day. What do you think?

We also wondered whether you guys are eating well enough these days with all the hubbub and flying all over the place. Do you guys have a Crock Pot? Man, they're awesome. You just toss in some ingredients and ignore it all day. Plus, nothing pounds a tough cut of moose meat into delicious submission like several hours in a Crock Pot with veggies, red wine and spices.

The most practical thing we thought of, though, is something that we wouldn't even have to pay for the shipping on. Really, it's not a tangible thing at all, just a heads-up. It's about the only thing we can afford; we just hope she can use it. We're concerned a big element of her media strategy is about to jump the shark.

We've been growing concerned over the last year or so about how often meaningless, trivial controversies break out over her behavior and distract Americans from what's really important for them to know: her actual plans for America. We're concerned we haven't heard any of the details yet because of these little controversies.