Alaska Dispatch

Dear Generals,

No doubt you're aware that the USPS has decided to save money this holiday season by satisfying requests for a special "North Pole" holiday postmark in Anchorage instead of Fairbanks. Furthermore, you may be aware that Alaska's post offices can't afford to follow the new security policy imposed on "Operation Santa," a volunteer program that replies to children's letters to St. Nick. Residents of North Pole, Alaska, seem outraged about both decisions. Their mayor even implied that the USPS is a bunch of Grinches. We're not expecting you to care much about being called names; after all, you have a financially troubled semi-public institution to worry about.

As we understand it, North Pole's elves have come up with a plan that might keep "Santa" replying to children. As we're writing this, the ball is still in your court. Hopefully, you can find some way to allow North Pole's volunteers to continue lying to children across the country. They do seem to enjoy it. But, we're not all that concerned about that. We don't think your other policy change went far enough. The Concerned is completely fed up with paying more and more for standard first-class stamps, and we're tired of the Post Office being so unprofitable. What's more, we're worried that Alaska's rural mail system is in jeopardy as long as your agency's financial trouble continues.

So, it is our duty to inform you that waste of resources is still occurring on your watch, and the USPS is missing out big time. Our idea won't come close to making the Postal Service profitable, or even stop the cash hemorrhage (we're concerned, not magical), but it could usher in a new fiscal dawn.

Sending letters all the way to Anchorage for special, holiday cancellation still seems ridiculous. The Postal Service should cancel holiday letters however the customer wants at the point of entry into the system. Special holiday postmarks should just be done at the nearest, sufficiently-equipped postal processing facility, no matter where it is. If you're already lying to customers about where you cancel stamps, why not go whole-hog and save even more money?

If you've already been lying to customers, and they're still paying for the privilege, why not also make a special holiday stamp for your trouble -- say, costing twice as much as ordinary first-class. Your holiday customers have already proven themselves suckers, so why not just crank down the screws a bit more?

This dummy cancellation service could even be extended -- for a significant additional fee -- to other times of year and for other, less innocent purposes. People would pay dearly for postmarks to conceal all sorts of things. Selling Duluth, Fort Wayne, or Flint postmarks at Maui post offices -- and vice-versa -- would really appeal to certain consumers. Millions of postal customers would pay dearly around tax time to fudge postmark dates a little. An entire Alaska town has built a thriving industry on a once-a-year sham, and the USPS has been complicit. We hope you'll start taking advantage of this money-making opportunity year-round.

Name

Email

Title

Comment

Subscribe via email (registered users only)

Post