Alaska Dispatch

Dear Lawmakers,

Under normal circumstances, We The Concerned aren't all that concerned about former Gov. Sarah Palin. But, as you probably know better than we do, Alaska's economy isn't experiencing normal circumstances. We won't rehash the whole troubling situation here, but suffice to say you have a hard job ahead ensuring Alaska's economic future as Alaska's major industry continues to contract.

However! There's hope.

Alaska's constitution holds that Alaskans themselves own the state's natural resources, and it requires those resources to be developed for the benefit of all Alaskans. Mainly, this has applied to Alaska's petroleum fields, which continue to supply the lion's share of Alaska's government and private sector income, and which in the past provided the capital to create the unique and beloved Alaska Permanent Fund.

However, although the framers of the Alaska Constitution and the creators of the Permanent Fund knew that Alaska's greatest resource is its people, they could never have anticipated the super-giant resource field recently discovered right under our noses. The boom has surpassed even our wildest dreams. Anyway, in order to ensure that Alaska's economy continues to flourish in the coming years as oil production declines, we need to make sure Alaska receives fair compensation for its vast deposits of a new and very potent ideological fuel.

As you may well know, Alaska contains the world's largest reserves -- both proven and unproven -- of Sarah Palin. Even though the world has just discovered this world-class resource, there is likely a finite amount of it. And once it's gone, Alaska will have missed its chance. Some analysts even think we've already reached the days of "Peak Palin," a theoretical tipping point at which consumer demand for barrels of Palin will outstrip industry's ability to economically produce them. Whether or not our society is approaching, amidst or beyond Peak Palin is immaterial, however. Unlike oil, unproven reserves of Sarah Palin seem to be the most desirable to the marketplace. No matter how much Palin is left out there, Alaska's government has a duty to make sure Alaskans get a fair value for it.

The world is practically tripping over itself to develop Alaska's newest value-added political resource, so there shouldn't be much trouble creating revenue from it. In addition to the recent Fox News Channel contract, the bestselling memoir and countless lucrative speaking engagements, Palin indirectly generates a great deal of money for political action committees, fashion lines, bumper sticker and T-shirt publishers, commemorative plate manufacturers, and at least one new political media consultancy firm. That's a lot of industry, and Alaska needs its fair share.

We The Concerned propose two things: First, hold a retroactive lease sale among companies that have already started pumping barrels of Palin. We're not exactly sure how much the producers have already made off with for free, but the resource is world class, and no doubt there will be interest to secure the investments they've already made, as well as open the door to further development.

With the proceeds of that lease sale, Alaska should set up a Palin Permanent Fund, or PPF, to invest for the future and save for a rainy day. Yearly dividends would of course be paid out to all Alaskans, who will no doubt be grateful for whatever relief they can get from the high energy and food prices they're all too familiar with.

However nice a lump sum capital investment would be, we need to remember that each barrel, ounce, or million cubic feet of Palin produced today means one fewer produced in the future. So your second task should be to institute a Palin Severance Tax to compensate Alaskans for the quantities of Palin that have been, and will be, permanently severed from the state. Each time an event, speaking engagement, or contract obligation takes Palin Outside, it also takes away a little piece of Alaska that will never grow back. What's more, scientists now suspect that when Palin is used to create political energy, the process creates gaseous and particulate emissions that distort the world's image of Alaskans.

Let us be clear. We don't want to tax Palin's income directly. We love not having an income tax. However, we hate to see a resource collectively owned by Alaskans generating so much capital for non-Alaska companies and individuals without Alaskans getting anything of value in return. And let's face it: Since she left the governor's mansion, she has done very little for Alaska, except perhaps for the leaving itself.

Detractors of this plan may object, saying that Alaskans have no right to tax an industry in which they themselves largely don't participate. But those people may be forgetting something: Alaskans elected Palin as governor over two worthy opponents, and then gave her a ridiculously high approval rating. That contributed a great deal to her selection as Sen. McCain's running mate. After that selection, that last turn of the drill bit so to speak, the Palin discovery well head started blowing gold all over the place. So far, Alaska hasn't seen a penny of that money. The travesty is that Alaskans have done far more to create Palin deposits than they ever did to create oil and natural gas deposits.

Lastly, something to beware of. Our plan to monetize this new resource for Alaska's benefit may contain a big danger. Companies say that producing a barrel of Palin in Alaska is much more expensive and difficult than producing that same barrel in, say, Connecticut. And, increasing fees, regulations and taxes on the Palin industry may result in companies decreasing their investment in the very resource we want them to develop. So, when you're working out the details to our plan, please spend a lot of time at the blackboard to figure out those equations.

We want what's fair, but we need to make sure Alaskans are compensated for what they're giving up.